twelve Lessons from a Divorcee

How did it get to the place where it takes all of my courage to stand between him and the door just begging to be heard? I wasn't the one yelling. I was the one pleading. The noise, colors, furies, and agony swirl together in a hurricane of memories. Events that lasted for just a moment would take hours and hours to sort through in therapy.

And I learned. 

I learned that avoidance had made it easy to miss red flags. Avoidance had allowed the monster to grow. Avoidance had been my safety and my peace but it had also been my demise. Avoidance is only ever a good thing when we're avoiding putting too much creamer in our coffee, and even then, its questionable. 

So many of my stories begin with the phrase... "I sat in my therapist's office". The line must get old and a bit repetitive, but I can't help it. That's where much of my learning and healing has happened in the last three years. I'd walk through the doors, find my usual spot in the corner of the black, leather couch, and wait for him to begin. He always has to start because I never will. I'm an avoider. I'll avoid the hard conversations and even the honest truth sometimes.

That's probably the reason I found myself standing in the kitchen, my mouth gaping open and my lungs grasping for air wondering how my life ever ended up here. I couldn't hear my loud breathing because of the yelling.

So much yelling.
So much noise.

How did it get to the place where it takes all of my courage to stand between him and the door just begging to be heard? I wasn't the one yelling. I was the one pleading. The noise, colors, furies, and agony swirl together in a hurricane of memories. Events that lasted for just a moment would take hours and hours to sort through in therapy.

And I learned.

I learned that avoidance had made it easy to miss red flags. Avoidance had allowed the monster to grow. Avoidance had been my safety and my peace but it had also been my demise. Avoidance is only ever a good thing when we're avoiding putting too much creamer in our coffee, and even then, its questionable.

So, my therapist and I talked about what I learned and what I was learning. We talked about the red flags people often miss or don't even know to look for. We talked about how I can learn to trust myself so I don't end up in the same situation again.

This isn't your typical piece on marriage. You see, I learned these important lessons because of a failed marriage, so the introduction to this list may seem more dire and somber than someone twitterpated and infatuated from their budding relationship might want to read. But this is important to read.

Marriage can be fun and lovely and intoxicating and exhilarating. However, it is a somber act.

The person you marry is who you will have with you when tragedy strikes. While tragedy may feel so distant and inapplicable and improbable, the truth is: tragedy will strike, and who you walk through these tragedies with, is really up to you.

It isn't just in tragedies that a marriage is tested, though. Many marriages don't fail because of tragedy. They fail because of what happened in the in between. I don't believe in the saying that a divorce comes from two people who quit trying. A failed marriage can fall on the shoulders of just one spouse, specifically when abuse or infidelity are the causes. It is in the every day disciplines and routines that endurance for the tragedies is built. You may not walk through a traumatic event with someone while you're dating, but you can have a good idea of how they'll handle the hard times based on how they prepare during the good times.

With all of that in mind, here is a list of things to pay attention to in a person you are considering to be your future spouse. A little red flag could lead to other red flags, or it could lead to an important discussion but every single one of these things is incredibly important and will shape your future. While I fully believe God knows who we're going to marry and marriage is a precious gift from Him, I also believe choosing who you'll marry is a decision you can make with your own free will and you absolutely can choose to marry someone who isn't the "right one".

1. Longevity in relationships - Look at their friendships, how long they've been friends with one another and if they're healthy relationships. This says a lot about a person's commitment and character. Look at who their friends are, too. We are like the people they spend the most time with, and who they are surrounding themselves with will give a glimpse of who they really are and who they will become.

2. Making disciples and being discipled - This gives you an idea of what kind of parent they'll be because parenting is really discipling. It also gives you an idea if their spirit is pliable and teachable. Are they willing and able to listen and learn from others? Are they willing to learn from you and what you have to say? Are they willing to actually listen to you?

3. Finances - So many marriages end because of disagreements over finances and it really will set the tone for life. It determines how generous you are, how stable you will be, and what kind of lifestyle you live. This doesn't mean marry for money, it means look at what they're doing with the finances they do have. What kind of debt are they in. When you marry, you take on one another's debt. Is their debt something you're willing to take on as your own and help pay for yourself?

4. Humility - are they humble? Do they think that they know all the answers and can fix all the problems or are they aware that there are many people out there smarter than they are? Are they willing to ask for help when a problem arises?

5. Authority in their lives - The Lord has placed natural authority over us in our careers, in our community, and in our churches. How someone responds to that authority is key. Are they respectful and kind? Are they humble and submissive? Are they able to share an opinion or belief gently without feeling the need to become defensive and hostile?

6. Relationship with work - Work is part of Eden. Work did not come after the fall, it was a gift given to us from God from the beginning of time. Not everyone knows what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and that's ok! Sometimes it may take a while to feel like we genuinely know where God is calling us and how to hone in on the passions He's given us. However, work will always be something we need to do. When things are tight and push comes to shove, you'll need someone who is able to provide for their family even if they aren't passionate about their job. Have they job-hopped because they've been fired? Have they job-hopped because they just can't settle? Has it been due to uncontrollable life circumstances? This isn't just about careers, though. This is about daily life. Will they help work on your home? Will they work hard at the job of parenting? Will they work on your marriage?

7. Church life - what church do they attend and what are some of the principle beliefs at that church? Do they honor women? Do they align with your beliefs? How involved are they at serving in their local church? How connected are they at their church?

8. Physical health - Caring for our physical health not only affects our mental health, but our long-term health as well. Sometimes our health is unpredictable and sometimes its preventable. Being with someone who has the same goals as you is important. Do you both believe in vaccinating children? What about the foods you eat and how you eat? Consider physical exercise as well. If that's a priority for you, it is good for it to be a priority for them because you'll both make it a priority for each other.

9. Mental health - How do they care for their mental health? Are they willing to see a therapist and have they seen a therapist? Do they currently have any mental health diagnosis's? If they do, how do they care for their diagnosis? They need to be regularly taking medication they're prescribed and if they're not, learn why that is. How do they handle situations when they feel overwhelmed or anxious? What is their family history of mental health? While we can see when someone is physically unwell, we can't always tell when someone's mental health is struggling and yet this can massively shape the every day moments of our lives.

10. Daily habits - the things they do on a daily basis that make them who they are. Do they read their Bibles daily (or almost daily)? Do they have margin in their schedule? Do they take time to rest? Is their calendar so full there's hardly room for anything else? What are their priorities? Do they need alcohol to wind down at the end of the day?

11. Holidays - What holidays are important and special to you? While they might not be the same for the other person, allowing you to celebrate the holidays that are special and choosing to celebrate with you, even if it isn't their favorite, can say a lot about the way they show you love. Love is sacrificial. Is spending time with your extended family important to you for holidays? Some of the most destructive arguments can come from unmet expectations from holiday celebrations. Have these conversations now.

12. Transparency - Do you know where they're going when they go somewhere or is their life some big mystery? We don't need to be nosy and constantly ask, but there should also be an element of transparency, especially as trust is built. And as your relationship deepens, how is their digital transparency? Would they let you read every text and message on their phone and will you allow them to do the same to you? Do they let you know what they're actually thinking and feeling and do you feel safe with them?

None of these points or lessons are fool proof. This isn't a list to check and when every box is checked, you'll end up in a healthy and happy marriage. No, this is just to give you ideas of what to look for that we aren't often taught about. This list helps you address some hard things you'll have to deal with in marriage before you've entered the covenant of marriage.

I once heard that we should get married for the same three reasons we should get divorced (and only when it’s all three of these reasons).
1. It is better for you as individuals.
2. It is better for the people in your immediate circles.
3. It is better for the Kingdom and for the spreading of the Gospel.

This is simply a list to help you know if these three things would be fulfilled if you enter into a covenant marriage with someone.

Don't avoid the hard questions. Don't avoid the question that flickers through your mind at times. Don't avoid talking about the real stuff.

Perhaps if we can all learn to not be avoiders, more of us would find ourselves in healthy, flourishing marriages.